Pangs

I’m not sure when it happened

but at a certain point

without me knowing

I’d stopped

Stopped hoping the messages I got on Facebook were from you

Stopped looking for your tiny face on the right side of the screen

Stopped going to your profile

At some point I moved on

and I hadn’t even realized I’d done it

Until now

It feels painful

In the best way

 

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I’m always looking

For a word that makes sense

For a word to describe 

Everything I am 

And there’s not enough meaning in one word

And I get frustrated 

With the limitations of my vocabulary 

And I try to use many words 

To describe who I am

And how the things I’ve been though

Have been instrumental 

In forming this person

And I’m struck

With my inability 

To be a writer

And so I brainstorm 

Hoping I’ll be better tomorrow 

this is nothing

boys

say the prettiest things

when you’re on top of them

and they’re drunk

high on life and uppers

and you’re sober

high on lust and the way they look at you

eyelids half closed

lungs breathing quickly

head back and shirt half ripped

velvet skirt raised around your waist

hair matted to sweat

dragging teeth over skin

letting yourself feel everything they give

being both a subject

and participant

wanting more than a night

wanting only a night

because its too much

and you can only survive a night

you can only survive a night

but its nothing

its nothing

nothing

tell yourself

remind yourself

don’t forget

don’t be fooled next time

there isn’t more than that moment

because you cant survive anything more

car, c’est rein. 

clown lips

In the moment when I’m talking to someone else

another guy in another club

I don’t think of you

But then after

when he’s good

and i’m gone

I compare the two

you to him and him to you

and it seems silly of me

but this is what i do

and you always win

and i hate you for that

because i always wish you wouldn’t

 

Bright light bulbs

I’m made up of stardust and candle wax

The vegan kind

It’s expensive

My eyes sparkle 

Like the lights of an lawyers office in a skyscraper

He works till 3am 

Trying to make partner

My heart is soft 

Like the threads that make up candy canes

I speak quickly afraid I’m stupid

I ride a skateboard cause I’m lazy

I write poetry because I can’t write prose

I sing cover songs in karoke bars

Because I can’t write poetry 

And this is how life is 

Euphoria

Endorphins

Loving for tonight

Being in this moment

Fucking out the anger

Releasing all the pain

Being in this passion

Swimming with the shrils

Not trying to change each other

Not expecting to be something

Not trying to exist

Outside of this moment

Outside of us?

There is nothing

Nothing but teeth and heavy breathing

Flesh and soft hair

Beautiful men and the women on top of them

Giving in 

Letting go

That’s the hard bit 

peeptalks

when i hear this song

i think of what was

what could have been

and how electrifying we were

like two souls colliding

igniting and becoming – enlightened

and it makes happy now

cause you had potential

and our potential would’ve been painful

so its lucky that you were playing

 

 

when i hear this song

i think of what was

what we were together

bodies, love, and sweat

physicality’s reacting to endorphin rushes

until  i realized that

guys like you

don’t appreciate girls like me

who see meaning in everything

love deeply, quickly, and immensely

 

and epiphany came

i deserved better

than a man who only

occasionally messaged me

my heart deserved more than

someone who could make me melt

my heart is remarkable

my brain intelligent

they demand stimulus and intellect

they demand more than superficial flirtations

hopefully i remember this peep-talk

when i stand before you next