Millennial probs

I think we we look for stability in other people
I turn a corner down Blvd Raspail 

I avoid the street that has that pizza shop we passed by last night

Because it reminds me that you’re not here now

I both dislike and like that we have memories here 

I both am ready and will never be ready to leave Paris

I have a gift, I form intense connections with people and places in short periods of time 

And I always only ever stay in one place for short periods of time

I spent a month surrounded by people 

I return now to 2 weeks of solitude 

I am not a solitary creature and so I meander 

I take the long routes home 

I pretend to go into stores where I cannot afford to buy things

A familiar weight of poverty and loneliness 

That comes from being both alone and hungry 

–And not having remedies for either–settles over and within  me

Because when I said I think we look for stability in other people 

I meant we find consolation

I meant we discover solidarity 

I meant we forget how terrifyingly large the world is without other people

I meant with people its easier to tell yourself things will be fine

Now though, alone, as I ascend the stairs of my 6th floor walk up

things don’t seem fine anymore

I want to hoard the five hundred euros have in a plastic bag in my tiny room because it’s all I got in this world 

It’s all that is perceivably positive amongst the mounting turmoil of having credit and student loan debit, 4$ in my bank account, and no job prospects

I think this is where people say you’ll make a great comeback 

This is the pitfall, the bottom where the rocks lay

But my heart races as I think about my bank statement 

The gold nail polish I painted on are already chipping,

I have to throw out my birks because all the cork has peeled away,

And my email tells me my royalties from Amazon will be deposited in 5-10 business days. 

Only three people have purchased the book I never intended to sell

And 4$ times 3 won’t make the minimum payment on my credit card anyway 

Ive reached the top of the stairs

I walk the hallway and plop my key into the slit 

The door clicks open

I step over the threshold, turn on the shower 

And drink the hunger, loneliness, and stress of finishing my Masters thesis in five days away 

I tell myself I’m not hungry 

I drink the tea my mother purchased for me and eat the memories I have of me gorging on three meals a day when family had visited me and I visited them 

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Humus

My teeth make humusBreaking the walls of nuclei 

I try and try to produce something

Create with importance

I fail and fail to understand life 

I see sprinklers water patches of grass

I want to sit on the grass

And let the water foster me 

I want to dive so deep into a pool that the world is silenced

I want to be Kant’s mathematical sublimity

Turning displeasure into pleasure at the sight of enormity 

I want to affirm the superiority of intellect 

By reorganizing prose and the forms that contain them

I don’t like the content follows form

That signs require two parts

That white can’t be worn after Labor Day

I don’t appreciate the arbitrary 

So I unleash my frustration on garbanzo beans 

Why do things have to be titled

The light shades that fall on my eyelashes 

At night when exhaustion and the high 

Crescendos into my life 

Numbness creeping, inching along my spine

LIKE fingertips dances on grass blades 

Razor blades ice and figure skating shoes

Eyelash light shades

Like sun rays at the golden hour of daytime 

Or the ripples of the water

As you emerge 

With your eyes wide open

Euphoria and all the -isms

Dancing along the grass blades of my neurons 

Séries : 3 : the end 

You look at the window 

Seeing a face, yours 

Unwashed, faded makeup 

Blotches of patches of black mascara 

Highlighting the bags under my eyes 

And you realize 

You don’t care 

Enough to fix it 

And you realize

This is the moment 

The moment when the look isn’t cool anymore 

Because you didn’t choose it 

It chose you. 

Séries : 2 : the middle 

When you don’t want to

But you can’t stop

When you want to

( Figure out life )

And everyone knows it

( but you ) 

And everyone accepts it

But you can’t slow down

Long enough to remember 

What you were trying to stop

( figure out ) 

And you’re writing words without 

Remembering why you’d started

And what you were trying to say 

Séries : 1 : the beginning

He the Potter, i, the clay

His love, their fear 

I listen, attendre 

Diverging faith

Believing in doubt

Funding addictions

Hiding from distance 

In light, mere darkness

I listen, to wait 

The only thing shine-y now

Are her eyelids